A while ago, I made a mistake. I was disobedient to God and when I finally came back to my senses, I felt like all hope was lost. Like I had ruined a good thing for myself by my actions. Now, this is something I have tabled before God. It’s interesting that what I thought I had ruined for myself, only God could give.
What does my ideology say of God? It says that He is not a free giver. It says that He holds my wrongs against me. It says that He holds a grudge and counts my wrongdoings against me. Let’s get one thing straight, God corrects His own and will not fold His hands while you go down a wrong path but that is completely different from holding a sin against us. I had to realize that those views went against the truth of the nature of God.
My fear and guilt made me create a picture of God in my head and heart that He did not identify with and I had to reteach my heart who He truly was.
This started out as a note to self in my notes app but I decided to share because I believe it’s a beautiful lesson to learn. God can still make beauty from ashes. God is a good God who rewrites stories for the better. He gives good things and gives without holding back. Matthew 7:7–11 describes this perfectly. There was also this mentality that I couldn’t possibly ask God for things because I had messed up. That is so wrong. If scripture says he doesn’t count our sins against us, we should believe it. I think a part of me felt like I deserved to be punished or “disciplined” and this further fueled the feeling of unworthiness.
I like to refer to the story of the adulterous woman in cases like this.
Jesus’ response to her. A twofold one; a reassuring “I do not condemn you” and a loving “Go and sin no more”.
That when found in sin, God has two dispositions towards us. To know that He does not hold our sin against us and that repentance is non-negotiable. It must be our heart’s posture. A choice we must make for ourselves. Repentance does not mean we will be perfect in all our doings. What it does mean is we make a continuous choice to turn away from sin and fix our eyes on God. The Christian walk is one that is empowered by God. In that God has called us to a certain standard to do better, He has also given us His Spirit to walk this journey. We are not doing this alone.
To the reader, I hope this helps you address thought processes that oppose the true character of God as revealed to us in Christ Jesus. I hope you are able to experience healing and freedom in your walk with God. To know that He is truly forgiving and restoring in all His ways and nothing is too damaged for Him to fix. I pray that Father, you help their hearts and minds believe this.
I’m glad I walked through this process because it helped me address feelings that went on to build a false identity of God that prevented me from experiencing total freedom.
How we view God matters because it affects our ability to respond to His word and who He truly is.